Texas dining

Bruce Buschel, a blogger with www.nytimes.com in the small business section, is apparently opening a new restaurant in New York next year. Preparing for such, he posted on the blog his list of 100 things restaurant staffers should never do.

It was a laundry list of things that often annoy diners (find links to his two-part series here and here), but it also contained references that might seem foreign to many of us Texans. For instance, No. 4 says, “If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche.”

Amuse them with what?

With the help of a few friends and readers, here is a glance at tips for restaurant staffers in Texas:

1. Greet all customers with a hearty “Howdy” or “How are y’all?”

2. If a customer orders water, bring tap; do not push bottled water, especially imports.

3. Wear a visible and readable nametag, but do not introduce yourself as if you’re their new best friend. Here in Texas, we’re all friends.

4. Know the dishes and be able to describe them. We don’t want to hear, “I don’t really know what that is.”

5. If we care about your recommendations, we will ask. If so, we want an honest reply.

6. When you inquire about the meal, listen to the answer and address any problem.

6.a. Do not sneak up on the table; allow chewing/swallowing time before asking questions.

6.b. Know the Heimlich maneuver.

7. Do not begin clearing the table while others are eating. The diner might be saving that last bite of bread to follow dessert.

8. Never refuse reasonable substitutions. “Fried okra instead of the side salad? Sure!”

9. Never serve anything that is still moving – the food, not the customer.

10. Tableware should be clean before placing. If not, it is not acceptable to wipe a fork on your apron and return it to the table.

11. If a customer did not eat everything, there may have been a problem with the food. See Rule No. 6.

11.a. If food is left over, do not observe, “Couldn’t eat it all, huh?” If it’s not Coney Island on the Fourth of July, mealtime is seldom a competition.

12. If a customer has barbecue sauce on his face, do not reach over and wipe it off.

13. Diners do not want to hear about your love life, parents, children, religion, politics or your opinion of your customers. Keep visits with coworkers out of earshot.

13.a. Neither do customers want to hear about the shortcomings of your coworkers.

14. Diners want to smell the food, not you. That means bathing, not applying more perfume.

15. Different customers have issues with different titles, such as “dude,” “ma’am,” “gentlemen” and “ladies.” Stick with “y’all” or, optional for more than one, “all y’all.”

16. Cursing is no way to relate to any guest, even if you're talking about Yankees.

17. Never mention the tip. Nor should you become extra friendly at tip time. Earn it throughout the meal.

18. Be prepared to help diners who are not at your table.

19. Bring condiments; do not make people feel they are putting you out to get the mustard.

20. Do not critique individual choices. “Mayonnaise for your french fries? Sure!”

21. Bring all salads, appetizers, entrees and desserts at the same time.

22. Fill a water glass when it gets low but not so often you become intrusive. Same applies for coffee and iced tea but ask; someone who sweetens the drink might not want to change the composition just yet.

23. Even if it begins sounding trite in a Tex-Mex restaurant, warn the diner of a hot plate.

24. Do not deliver a dish without the required instruments. In other words, do not set down a bowl of soup and say, “I’ll be right back with a spoon.”

25. If you’re out of lobsters, tell the customer when delivering the menu. If you’re out of chicken-fried steak, lock the door.

26. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.

27. Should more than one person ask for the check, do not enter the fray ... just leave it in the middle and allow them to sort it out.

28. Do not ask if a guest needs change. See Rule No. 17.

29. The most important rule in a Texas restaurant: Do not ask what kind of gravy to put on the chicken-fried steak. There is only white (or cream) gravy for Texas chicken-fried steak.

30. Even though your customers appear finished, do not hover and make them feel rushed; they might be calculating your tip.

31. There will be guests who distinguish themselves; reward them with a complimentary drink or dessert ... there’s nothing like a warm slice of pecan pie to say thanks.

32. Is an arriving guest party incomplete? Seat them anyway, offering drinks and appetizers. Allow them to make the call as to when to proceed with the meal.

33. Do not interrupt a conversation and never join one unless invited.

34. Do not touch the rim of a glass or the business end of an eating utensil.

35. Anytime you say, “I don’t know,” follow up with, “but I’ll track down someone who does.”

36. Even if it takes an extra second to check the order, know before delivering food who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s gonna attempt the Texas-size porterhouse?”

37. If someone seems unsure about a wine choice, provide assistance, even if it means asking someone else who is better informed. You might offer a sample or two. If someone seems unsure about a beer choice, do not offer samples.

38. Whether removing a wine cork or a screw cap, do not put your bare hands all over the spout.

39. Diners do not want to see their servers eating or drinking. Do so out of sight.

40. Do not peer over the shoulder of someone who is ordering. He or she wants to see that you’re understanding the order.

41. Should something go wrong, do not waste a second placing blame, just work on making it right.

42. Do not reach across one guest to serve another, even if the former seems to enjoy it.

43. If a guest wants to meet the chef, make sure the chef is sober.

44. Do not meander around the dining room; allow the guest to assume you are assigning all expediency to filling the needs of your customers.

45. Lastly, if your customers have a strange accent or does not know how to act in a Texas restaurant, do not let on and do not ask, “Where are y’all from?” It would just embarrass them. They probably think they’re blending in just fine.